Guest Blogger, Elle: Major Side Eye, Am I Wrong?

Whatchu say?!

Hello my blog fam, today’s post comes courtesy of one of my bffs and frequent commentator Ms. Elle.  Please give her a warm welcome and your feedback because you all give some very valuable advice.  Who needs a therapist couch when I’ve got you lot?! Elle and I have spoken about her little debacle with the subject of her post and well I give the clown a major side eye!  So does Terry, ask somebody!  I leave you with Elle…*Waving*

Too many times, we hear that women are too picky when it comes to choosing men. I don’t think wanting someone who compliments me and challenges me makes me picky.  Does it?

I met a man at a one day course I recently took.  He seemed very nice and intelligent, and at the end of the course, we exchanged numbers. We talked on the phone for over a month, getting to know each other and I thought things were going well.  I did mention to my friends, when I first met this man I didn’t feel any attraction, but I was trying not to be picky.

The more he and I spoke, the more I ignored my initial reaction. I tried my best to work past the barriers between us.  We are both Black, but I’m of Jamaican parentage, he’s a bit older and African.  I decided to try and find common ground. After a month of talking and still nothing in common, still I thought it was me.

A girlfriend of mine and I decided we were going to have a birthday celebration to which I thought this would be a great time for my friends to meet him and tell me if it’s just me…friends never lie…at least not mine.

So the birthday event arrives and my friends were great and were more attentive to him than I was. His behavior on the other hand was another story. The whole evening he was quiet and withdrawn, almost to the point of being moody. I kept asking him what was wrong, it was like pulling teeth.  He left the dinner early, but on his way out the door, I finally got an explanation for his behavior.  I’ll save you the boring details.

Fast forward to 3 days later…

He calls me and says that I have passed all his assessments, yes assessments and that I am everything he is looking for. Let’s rewind a bit, shall we. 2 weeks into talking to him, he sends a text starting with hello my everything; I seriously  jokingly write back you shouldn’t put your everything into one person. Forward a couple more days…

He once again sends a text, this time ending with “love always.” What! I’m sorry, but I have not known you long enough and we don’t know each other well enough for you to be loving me anything, am I wrong? Our conversations were never that deep, I still hardly know him. Back to present day…

That odd text I received talking about me passing his assessments.  After I told him it made no sense, he called me and told me that he re-read it and it made perfect sense to him…but no one texts themselves…well I do sometimes, but anyway…he goes on to state that the message was about how he feels for me and he stated it in such a way that I would not get upset, like I did last time he used a certain 4 letter word. I started to feel very anxious, and not in a good way.

Before I drone on any longer, let me just sum it up for you. After much thought, I decided that my initial reaction was correct…always follow your instincts. I only gave you a peek at the condescending way that he spoke; he did it in a manner that you didn’t realize you were being talked down to until you were off the phone…I hate being spoken to like an idiot.

I decided to stop things where they were; just a nice clean break. He tried to tell me that my decision was too swift, my friends will wonder what is wrong with me and a whole heap of what I consider crap. It was like he was trying to scare me into continuing a relationship with him…what’s that about?

I am just glad that I came to my senses when I did and that I learned to follow my instincts because they will never lead me astray…am I wrong?

Self Sabotage, Who Me?!

Anything U Can Do, I Can Do Better!

 

***REPOST, This one is old, but I re-read it and wanted to share.***

SELF SABOTAGE: when there is no logical or rational explanation for why you can’t do the things you want to do or why you can’t have the things you want to have.

I’m not guilty!  I never really looked at it that way, but when a dear friend brought it up, I thought to myself, “Hmm, damn.  I do do that!”

I have my reasons though, okay okay, so they’re more like excuses.  This bitch called me out though, “Why can’t you do what you want to do?” she asks.  I give her my “reasons” and she throws them out the window as we drive down Jasper Ave.  I looked in the rearview mirror and watched as said “reasons” waved at me with tears down their cheeks.  I vowed not to look back, but of course I did, just in time to see them get hit by other motorists.  I guess they found their final resting place on the cold streets of Jasper Ave, buried in snow pile graves.

It’s not easy to forget my good frienemies laying there in their cold graves, however; I do realize that I’ve been holding back too much when it comes to my wants and needs.  Analyzing things before I do it, looking for reasons I shouldn’t do it, I don’t like that.  Especially when it comes to men.  No I’m not going to now dive foolishly headfirst into anything with anyone, but I stop telling myself I shouldn’t.  I will approach with caution, but not deprive myself.  I was never that person a couple years ago, the super cautious girl.  Girl being the keyword.  Now I am a grown woman and I wonder if it comes with age.  The self-sabotage and the realization that there are consequences for your actions?  Hmm, maybe not in fear of the latter, for I was always aware that there are consequences.  I think I just grew up.

I’ve taken a long hard look at myself in the last couple days and I’ve come to the decision to stop analyzing.  My reasons are gone and I’m going to do it like Nike,  just like Cantona, but I’m gonna make it look better than that when I DO IT!

P.S.  MAYBE WE CAN DO IT TOGETHER?!  LMAO *GUTTER*

Cheers,

Ms. Nikks

Sometimes, I’m Michael Phelps!

“The one who loves the least, controls the relationship.”

Some women chase men.  Some make men feel like they’re the best thing since sliced bread, they can get away with anything.  I’ve seen women act like a Canadian dollar a.k.a looney over men, to the point where I think they need to have their pancakes with prozac instead of chocolate chips. Unless you’re a sandal wearing, long haired carpenter, who can multiply fish, and turn my Brita water in Spumanti Bambino, it ain’t happening.  You don’t run the show!

Professor Nikki & The Diabolical Biatch

*Found a box in the corner of my mind.  It’s dusty.  I blow the dust off, cough, wipe the rest of the residue off with my hands.  I rub my hands on my old jeans and peer at the label.*  I read aloud, “Shady Bitch 2002.  Cold Case!”

*Nikki sets out on her journey to find the answers she’s looking for and put this issue to rest.  She whips out the blackberry from somewhere under her blanket and starts typing…*

Text Correspondence:

Nik: “What do you do when you have pent up anger from a past scenario?  How do you get answers after years have passed?”

Friend: “It’s hard love…Cuz sometimes the other person doesn’t want to rehash it.”

Nik: “Agreed.  I know you won’t want to.”

Friend: “Oh you were talking about me.  Nice tactic.  But you can ask away…years?”

Nik: “Lastweek you brought up _ _ _ _ _ _ _.  That shady little stunt she pulled years ago hurt me and I know you knew that.  You knew because it ended the friendship I was trying to build, yet you continued to talk to her.  I guess, I just want to know why risk our friendship over someone you don’t know?  If you hadn’t mentioned that you spoke to her, I would never have guessed you still had a friendship of sorts.  It’s not about her, she means nothing.  It’s about you and the respect we should have for each other as friends.”

This shady female was a friend of mine. Without getting into the intricate details of my friendship with the male friend, she shouldn’t have tried to go there.  I knew her character in the beginning and so it wasn’t a surprise, her actions weren’t a surprise.  The actions of my friend was what I found surprising.  This is someone who I happen to think is intelligent and knows that there are certain lines people shouldn’t cross.  It wasn’t the same scenario, but it felt like how you’d feel if your friend was dating your ex.  Like I said, not exactly the scenario, but very felt very much like it.

Men are different than women when it comes to solidarity and friendships.  Something that might be a big deal to a woman isn’t a very big deal to a man.  We are truly, at times more emotional than our male counterparts.  Where my female friends would find the actions of the female in this scenario shady, my male friend did not.  I knew what her character was like, he didn’t, I knew where she wanted things to go, he didn’t.  I don’t ask people to choose sides, but I do let them know how I feel at times.  Yes men and women are different, but (in my Chris Brown voice) at the end of the day, we all just want to feel valued, loved, and respected.

I wait for an answer, but I never get one…I never hit send.

Nikks

Harlem Blues

I fell in love with this song when I was about 15 or 16 years old.  I remember hearing it on a drive to Calgary with my aunt and uncle.  I closed my eyes in the car that day and it just moved me.  Thought I’d share.  I’m feeling nostalgic.

“…I have a friend who lives there and I know he won’t refuse to put some music to my troubles and call them Harlem blues…”

Nikki

Nik, What’s Gotten Into You? Ask Your Daddy!

MM: “TF Nik?”

Nik: “WTF do you mean TF?”

MM: “More Head Than A Dread? Seriously?!”

Nik: “What’s wrong with that?”

MM: “What’s gotten into you?”

Nik:  ”____ I mean this in the nicest way, it’s my blog and I write what I want. If you don’t like it, get the hell of my blog, please and thanks “

MM:  ”In the nicest way eh?”

I guess his point was that I’ve changed a lot.  I find everytime someone does something to hurt me, I change my attitude, my thinking, and my behavior.  I think it’s just a part of learning and growing.  Fortunately I know that I can’t control anyone or their reactions.  I can only control me and my reaction towards other’s actions.

He thinks I’m different because I used to be a little bit more guarded, not as openly raw with sexuality.  I’ve always been vocal when expressing my opinions and getting my points across, I’ve always been that girl.  It’s the sexual nature of some of these posts that I think might cause surprise to some people.  Usually I’ll just tease you and make naughty jokes, but now I’m just apparently just putting it out there.  Am I wrong for that?  Should I tone it down?

Why?  I’m 26 years old, I’m a grown woman, I’m comfortable in my skin and with my sexuality.  I feel more mature, more grown up, more experienced with life.  I used to sit and wonder when my life was truly going to begin.  While I was in the shower one day, my favorite place for having epiphanies, I realized, life has been going on for a long time.  Whether I was truly present and aware or not.  This is my life.  It is happening.  I am embracing it.  I am living it.  I am going with the flow.  I make no apologies for being a bit more vocal, open, not as guarded.  I like the new Nik and she’s going be around for awhile.  So brace yourselves and get used to it.

Doesn’t mean that I don’t question some of the things I post, whether I should post it or not.  Whether it’s too revealing or not.  This weekend, I questioned whether I want to even continue with the blog or not.  I enjoy the little blog fam and the connections I’ve made.  I’d miss that a lot and I don’t think I’m quite ready to walk away from it yet.  I heart you guys.

Dirty Diana Nik

My Wish For You

Lastnight I was laying in bed and thinking about my childhood, my parents’ actions, and the ripple effect it’s had on my life.  There are so many Black children who’ve never heard their parents utter the words, “I love you.”  They are quick to utter it to their boyfriends/girlfriends, but not their kids and I have a problem with that.  Some of us are quick to show the angry side of ourselves and I’m fully aware of why, but it’s about time somebody told you to stop it!  It’s time to tuck your kids in at night, tell them you love them, cuddle with them and read to them.  The club can wait.  The bar can wait.  Your girls and your boys can wait.  Your children come first, your family comes first.  There is no need to be out there every Friday and Saturday, all you need in this world is at home missing you.  I’m not picking on Black folks because this happens in every race, but I’m talking to you guys because you are who I know and who I’m concerned with seeing doing better.  Meaning: I’m only saying this because I love you and I want to see you all succeed in this life.

Both of my grandparents grew up orphans.  They grew up with grandparents who were very loving, but didn’t outwardly display it or tell them I love you.  They still had that mentality where they had to be tough and not show emotions.  So my grandparents grew up the say way.  They loved their children tremendously, but uttering the words wasn’t part of the norm.  With the grandchildren, they’ve learned to be a bit more gentle.  We know they love us, because they spend quiet moments with us, coloring, brushing our hair, holding our hands and going for walks.  My grandfather would kiss my little face every chance he got.  His beard tickling my cheeks.  I knew I was loved.  Everyone deserves to experience that emotion.

My mother has a daycare and it amazes me how many women take time off of work, but still drop their kids off at 7 a.m. so they can go back home and sleep.  Tell me, what sense does that make to you?  You wake up, wake them up, bring them out in the cold and dump them on someone else, when you could just let them sleep in while you sleep?  I remember one lady had to drop her baby off because she had to go home and fold her laundry, she can’t do it with the baby in the house?  Are you kidding me?  What about the women in the Caribbean and other third world countries who don’t have the luxury of daycare or babysitters?

My main reason for this blog is to enlighten some of you who are parents, or who are about to become parents and those who just wish to be parents, you have to spend time with your children.  So many of you end up old, alone, and dumped in nursing homes, I wonder why, YOU wonder why?  It’s because you never taught your children how to love, nurture, care, and be patient.  You have to lead by example.  Spend time with your kids and their grandparents together, so they can learn how to love and take care of you when it’s your time.

I got tucked in at night, kissed on the cheek, brought to work with both parents numerous times, they spent time with me.  I was never pawned off on anyone for long periods of time.  I had a nanny, but I knew I had parents, because I saw them everyday and every single night.  I was just over at Blu Flame Blvd and I watched a post that really touched my heart, thank you for posting that Nightfall.  The very end of the clip, shows a father son moment between Will Smith’s character and his real life son’s character in Pursuit of Happiness, check it out.

I wish every Black man AND woman, with children, nieces, nephews, and godchildren, can be as raw with their emotion as Will was in this scene. Teach these children how to love, live, laugh, cry, and DREAM.  That is my wish for you!

Nikks

Tagged

So I was tagged by Nightfall of Blu Flame Blvd. Please check him out if you haven’t already done so.  You’ll learn something new, laugh, and/or feel enlightened.  Thank you luv.  So I have to post 7 things about me…here goes:

1. My first day of kindergarten I was sent to the principals office for kicking Seaburt (I dunno if that’s how you spell his name) in his crotch. (Grandma told me to fight, but neglected to tell me only if someone started it.)

2. I have 33 first cousins.

3.  In high school when it rained, I wouldn’t go because the earthworms were all over the sidewalk.  I’m that terrified of them.

4.  When I was 3 yrs. old, I swallowed some of mom’s birth control pills and my boobs swelled up for like an hour.  *Giggle*

5.  I’m an insomniac, I can’t fall asleep until after 2 a.m.

6.  I practically live at the movie theatre, I should move my bed in there.

7.  I am most at peace in a library or bookstore. A man can win my heart by making sure our home has a library in it.  Ceiling to floor shelves.  *Sigh*

Nikks

Make Him Feel Good Pt. IV: More Head Than A Dread, My Yout!

In high school, around the age of sixteen or seventeen years old, my friends and I would talk about sex or talk about what people thought of the girls with tongue rings.  I wasn’t all that focused on sex, I knew I didn’t want to do anything with any boy in school, they were exactly that, boys.  The last thing I wanted was for my name to be dragged through the mud and well there weren’t any boys that really really did IT for me!  One thing I swore was kind of gross and I probably would never do was go the southern route.  Eeewy, no way.  Then I graduated, went to college and grew some brains, pun intended.  ”She give good brain like she graduated from a good school”.

Materials:

1. Altoids

2. ID Sensation Warming Liquid w/ Cinnamon

Pretty self explanatory what you need to do.  Rub the warming liquid all over (insert favorite slang for penis here).  Pop an altoid and get to work bish! I will say this much, you should love doing it, embrace it.  If you don’t love it, pretend like you do.  Get dirty.  Act like a baby eating spaghetti unsupervised.  Visuals and sounds people, visuals and sounds.  Slluurrrp!  Lmao, sorry.  I understand the male anatomy isn’t all the nice to look at, neither is yours, don’t flatter yourselves. What’s not love about taking a trip to Atlanta?  Seriously folks.  You want him to visit Georger Hallelujer Georgia and have a bite of peach cobbler, return the flavor favor.

Also, spitting is very unladylike.  DUDES YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT.  If your girl starts feeding you pineapples all day, shut up and eat it!  Nobody wants battery acid in their mouth!  Don’t shoot the messenger in the eye.

Presses play and starts fillng out an application to be ONE OF Weezy’s baby mamas singing as she exits: “Swallow my words, taste my thoughts and if it’s too nasty, spit it back at me…” (Don’t judge me, the recession still hurting and the money is in Tha Carter empire/royalties! Act like you know!)

Ms. Nikki Baybee

It’s Because of the Ring, My Precious

FIERCENESS

“Love the one you’re with if you can’t be with the one you love.”  How would you feel if that was the reason your man or woman was with you?  What if you knew or overheard them telling a friend they are with you because it’s better than being alone?  Ouch right?  What if you don’t hear it, but the signs are clear as day, that he’s just not that into you!

It’s funny my friends and I discuss how men are seemingly settling these days.  Too lazy to go after what they truly want when it comes to building worthwile relationship with someone.  Some aren’t up for the challenge or the fight.  Some admit they just can’t be bothered getting to know someone knew.  They are avoiding the whole awkwardness of dating someone new.  Yes men actually told us that.  It’s just easier being with someone they’ve already spent time with.  My friend asked one of her friends why he’s with a particular skankbag he’s been messing with for a couple years, he responded, “I like her big breasts.”  Another one dated the most annoying Fran Drescher voiced heifer and we all knew they weren’t a match.  We came to the conclusion she was just comfortable, thank God that ended.  *Shudder* I heart Fran and will only tolerate that voice coming from her.

But here’s my main point for this rant of mine:  You connive and manipulate your way into his life.  You date, he marries you.  You know he loves someone else and always will, yet you gloat that he’s yours because he chose you, he gave you THE RING.  Really  Gollum is that enough for you?  Do you come to your senses and bounce or do you stay and gloat because of the ring?  What exactly did you win, my precious?

Nikster