Shug To Celie: “You Sho’ is ugly!”

I’ve never been into pretty boys.  You know the, Rick Foxes, Shemar Moores, Blair Underwoods of the world.  They just don’t do it for me.  They are handsome, they are good looking, I’m sure they have great personalities, but the look I go for is different.  Nor was I that girl, the one who wanted the thug, according to mum, “Nuh badda bring home none a dem bwoy deh wid dem trouses a drap affa dem!”  (Chuckle).  Of course I want a handsome man by my side, who doesn’t.  I’m aware that the definition of handsome or beautiful won’t be the same to all as it is to me.  We all have varying definitions.

I remember driving to Calgary with my friend and as usual, when we get together we are Lorelai and Rory, the Black Gilmore Girls.  We go from one subject to the next and often people on the outside can’t keep up with what the hell we’re talking about.  Ask my brother, he was amazed at how much we ramble and talk over each like an episode of The View.  Anyway…

On this road trip we drifted to the subject of men and looks.  My friend said she likes men who happen to be M.I.A. the day God handed out good looks not that great looking.  I asked why in heavens would you want an “ugly” man?  She said she wants people to wonder how he landed her.  I laughed hard at that one.  I heart my friends, they can be wild in their view of things.

It just so happens that a couple days later when I got back home, I saw a research online.  The point of the research was gorgeous women who are married to men who aren’t the typical stud, seemed happier than a couple who equalled in beauty.  Supposedly, the less than photogenic male works hard to please his beautiful counterpart because he wonders, “How’d I land her?”  Whereas the handsome male couldn’t care less if he was pleasing his wife because he can always find another.  The beautiful woman with the handsome hubby, usually feels less satisfied as he’s not trying to please or care for her, she also has a I can do better attitude.  Both of those mentalities combined equals an epic fail.

Now my post yesterday regarding why Black women end up with losers and it’s because she chooses losers got me thinking about looks.  Do we skip over the good guys, the “nerdy”, “struggling”, “good guy”, because he is less good looking than the no good thug?  Do we want the handsome bad boy and willingly accept all the drama because well he’s foine (yes foine)?

For example, Heidi Klum and Seal.  Heidi has no issues with Seal’s face, but I’ve heard plenty a comment about his looks.  He seems like a great man and he’s there for his wife and kids.  So it seems anyway.  They do look happy and in love.  Would a Black woman find Seal handsome enough to marry and have children with?  Seal or Usher, who’s disgracing his wife through music (song called Papers) and rumored to have questioned whether he indeed fathered his second child?  What about the nice Black guy named Norman, he drives the delivery truck for Starbucks and cleans banks at night.  He wears glasses and his pants sit properly on his waist.  He enjoys jazz, reading, and browsing the finance section, not the sports section of the paper.  Or do you prefer Shaquan who’s available to you all day everyday, he’s an apothecary with a degree from the school of the hardknocks, now him, he looks like LL Cool J and he’s not struggling he has money, always dressed in the latest ghetto must have.  Who do you choose? Continue reading

Make Him Feel Good Pt. III: Perfect Strangers

Let’s be perfect strangers, I can be cousin Balki and you can be cousin Larry because I’m a adventurous, to a point.  I probably wouldn’t have a one nightstand and/or random stranger sex, but I’m somewhat creative.  I was a pro at improv in drama class.  This isn’t all that creative, but it’s fun and it works.  Sometimes you want that slow Luther Vandross night and other nights you want that DMX ‘How’s It Going Down’ romp.  Thanks for the inspiration from blog sister D over there at Life In The D Lane she did a post on whether you can fuck the one you love.  I say yes and this is one way of doing so. Why would anyone have a problem being a dirty whore less than ladylike with their partner?  It’s cliche but I heard they want a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed.  Or better yet, who needs a bed?

Supplies:

  • CD PLAYER
  • DMX’S – ‘HOW’S IT GOING DOWN’ & ‘GET IT ON THE FLOOR’
  • CLEAN/CLEAR COUNTER TOP, TABLE, OR WALL (requires body strength)
  • LITTLE RED DRESS
  • A RENTED HOTEL ROOM (I know it’s recession, but so what…)

Slip a note in your man’s lunch, briefcase, jacket pocket, inside his car taped to the steering wheel, wherever you know he’ll definitely find it.  Instruct him to go to a certain hotel where he’ll see you sitting in the lounge at the bar.  You’ll be the one wearing the little red dress.  Tell him he can bring a friend from work, who’s never met you before, (not that kind of party lol).  It’ll add to his bad boy character if a friend comes with him.  Instruct him not to approach you, but to chat with his friend about how attractive you are. Send a drink over.  You’ve never met.  You will have a second note with you:

“Thank you for the drink, that was very kind of you.  I don’t usually do this and it takes more than a drink to win me over, but I find you really attractive and I’d like to thank you properly.  Join me in room #69 for a nightcap?”  - (Insert inner freak name here)

Something along those lines. His friend will think he’s the man.  His ego will be stroked. That’s the only reason for bringing the friend along.  To add to the charade, unless you get down like that then hey!  Once he comes upstairs and knocks on the door, let him in and start kissing him.  Don’t be afraid to be a bit aggressive.  Talk to him between kisses, breathy, while you’re unbuckling his pants.  I suggest you leave the thong on…push it to the side.  It’s freakier that way.  Lol.  Don’t use the bed.  Use the bathroom counter, table, or up against the wall.  It’s all about playing a character.  Let him know you want it.  When you’re done, send him home.  Enjoy the hotel to yourself and do the walk of shame home to him the next morning.  Lol. Have fun explaining where you were and who you were doing to him when you get home.  Haha. Don’t be shy!  Just be perfect strangers for a night.

I know you’re all a bunch of freaks, so you’ve probably done this before.  How’d it go?  If you haven’t, would you ever do it?  It’s not as wild as Make Him Feel Good: Fruit Medley, so give it a try.  Lol.

Nikks :P

WTF: It’s All Your Fault Bitches!

Lastnight I was studying for anthropology on facebook when I clicked on a video shared by Ms. Lola a.k.a. ChoklitFactory.  In this video a man was talking about Black women.  It was a long ass video and I didn’t listen to the ending, but the gist was this:

1.  We complain too much about Black men, example; they are lazy, no good, we can do without them, and they ain’t about shit.

2.  We complain that White women are taking all the “good Black men” but why would they want us? (Dude come hang out in my city, I guess the White women here got the one’s we raised wrong.  Half of them are deported, so no White women aren’t winning here.  If anything they’re helping us weed out the one’s we don’t want.  I freakin’ said it, so what?! It’s my blog, I ain’t mad.  I’m sending you Thank You cards for Christmas!)

3.  We allow ourselves to get knocked up by these “no good Black men”, but then we complain about them.

4.  White women are not doormats, even though we call them that.  They end up with the “responsible Black man” who hold a job.  Doesn’t wear his saggin’ ass pants, etc.  The video flashed pics of Seal & Heidi, Tiger & The Gold-digging babysitter his wife, Lionel Ritchie, Quincey Jones, etc.

Through this video he kept flashing pics of the angry Black woman, the “ghetto” Black woman seemingly caught by the camera as she’s in the midst of a neckroll.  Then they displayed T.I. licking Tiny’s forehead *lmao* and Lil’ babymakin‘ Wayne.  This commentator was basically saying, we complain about these men, yet we go out of our way to find them, get impregnated by them, and bottom line, we are the one’s fucking up Black men. We are the ones who raised them to be the way they are, so what the fuck are complaining about.  He didn’t use the profanities, that’s all me.  Pardon moi.  I mean come on, when you met him you knew he didn’t have a job or an education.  So what are you complaining about when you pass up good Black men all the time for losers, because he’s a thug and you like it?!

You knew he had five baby mommas but you chose him anyway!  What kind of man would have children and not stick by the family he made, bigger question, what kind of woman goes out of her way to look for a man like that, knowing he’ll most likely do the same thing to her?  Apparently we do. Like I said, I agree with him, but this scenario in no way applies to all Black women.  I don’t date men who wear saggin pants.  I could never bring someone like that home.  I don’t want a man with numerous children and baby mommas.  If he was married and it failed and he has a child or two from a marriage a.k.a commitment and he’s actively involved, I can respect that.  So this fool who made the video needs to do his research or shut the hell up, because it seems he was implying this applies to all of us Black women.

I agree with him!  I want to smash his face in with an anchor, but I see his point.  Maybe he’s just an angry Black man who is sick and tired of being told he’s no good, so he’s acting out, I don’t know.  We do raise these boys.  We do contribute to their outcome.  We have from birth till age 3, I believe (correct me if I’m wrong) to ensure our children turn out well.  We set the course their lives will take and the people they will become.  I see both sides of the nature vs. nurture debate.  I can support either side very well in a debate.  So I’m a little torn.

I want to touch on a subject regarding why us Black women end up with “no good Black men”, that will be the next post.  Please stay tuned.  For now, tell me what you think.  Do you think we are responsible for the “losers” we end up dating and being “knocked up” by?  How do you feel about all this? Offended, pissed off, or do you agree?  Should we be complaining when it’s apparently all our fault?

Nikki

Nikki Ménage à What Now?

Dude:  “Would you ever participate in a threesome?”

Nikks: “Who says I haven’t?”

Dude:  “Damn, f’real?”

Nikks:  “No!”

Dude: “Would you?”

Nikks: “I’ve been curious about it.”

Dude: “Curiosity killed the cat!”

Nikks: “Satisifaction brought him back!”

Yes I’ve been curious about it way before that question was posed to me.  Would I ever do it?  Maybe.  Given the right timing, circumstances, and the right frame of mind.  Lmao.  It would take a lot of alcohol, some exotic Caribbean island that I’ll never step foot on again (don’t wanna be recognized) and my choosing who it’ll involve.  I don’t think I’d do it with someone I intend to marry.  If it was some guy I was dating at the moment, then okay.  I just don’t know if that would ruin our relationship in some way.  Even though it would most likely be his idea.  I don’t know.  Horror stories, I read too many novels.

We got further into the conversation this friend and I and he stated he would want to pick who him and his woman chose to engage in their freakiness with.  He proposed him, her, and another girl.  I asked well what if she wanted another guy in the mix, he wasn’t having that!  Selfish much?  He said he’d compromise and let her choose the girl, aww how generous.  I told him I think it would be hard (pun intended) to watch my man shag another girl before me.  He wasn’t seeing the point, but at the same time, he didn’t want to think about having another man shag his woman before him.  Double standard all around.  See it’s all these issues why I wouldn’t necessarily go down that road.

Have you ever participated?  If not would you?  If yes, did it turn out well?  Would you do it again?

“What’s love gotta do with lil ménage?” -Fat Joe in “What’s Luv?” (okay bad imagery for the scenario)

Nikki Baaybeee!

Old Fashioned Glazed Anyone?

I have a friend, who lives in a big glass house, always has nice cars, couple kids, and a dog husband, we’ll refer to as Grover.  They act as if they’re living life in the fab lane.  Now to the outside world, they seem to have it all together, but it’s not the same being on the outside looking in, you don’t get the full picture.

Grover humps everything that moves, well so I’ve been told.  I’ve been told this by various sources and I’m inclined to believe them.  I don’t want to give Grove a reason for his behavior, but I can’t help but wonder if she didn’t bring this on herself.  She doesn’t have to work, Grove prefers when she does not.  He provides for her and takes care of home, financially anyway.  She stays at home and well, I don’t see her doing much.  I’ve spent a couple days there and noticed the routine.  She brings the kids to school, comes back home, doesn’t do much, picks up the kids from school, doesn’t do much, and that’s the routine.  Grove comes home, has to take out the meat to cook, season it, and yep, he has to cook it too.

I’m not completely old fashioned glazed donut from Tim Hortons, yes I’m hungry, nor am I too much of the modern woman, I sit happily in the middle.  My philosophy is simple.  If I’m home, the house is clean, the laundry gets laundered, the clothes are ironed, and the meals are cooked.  Easier said than done?  No it’s not all that complicated. If a man is taking care of you like he promised to do, why can’t you take care of home?  I don’t excuse his cheating ass ways, but it doesn’t help that he isn’t finding the woman in you he thought he married.

I don’t see a problem with breaking free of the gender roles, societal expectations, norms, and cultural patterns, but some things are just common sense.  I expect that if I’m working and my man is working, if he gets home before me, he better have started dinner and not expect that to be my role. I expect him to know how to iron and do his own laundry, if I’m out of town or I just don’t feel like doing it, he ought to be able to do it himself.  But if I’m not working and have all the time in the world, I will make it my responsibility to get this stuff done.

This isn’t the only couple I’ve seen who’ve had problems due to women who just sit home and can’t pick up a vacuum.   I’ve seen filthy homes, smelly garbage, dirty kids, etc.  I’m sorry, but sometimes us women need to get over ourselves and do what we need to do.  At times I think we’re lucky we are born North American women.  We would not last a day in other cultures.  Cultures where women are carrying two, three kids on their backs, gathering food, planting food, sewing, cooking, cleaning, and have no one to bitch complain to about it.

Am I wrong in thinking she is partially to blame for what is happening to her?  Did she bring it on herself, by not taking care of home?  Should a man have to come home and cook his own meals, take out the trash, and do his own laundry if his woman’s not working?

Nikks :P

Will & (Dis)Grace?

"I'll f*** the whole group, baby I'm a groupie!" -Every Girl

I remember watching an episode of Will & Grace when they were trying to count how many sexual partners they’ve ever had.  I believe it was between Will and Grace, Will counted successfully, while Grace had problems remembering.  Now for some strange reason, well not strange, but for some reason, I thought “Wow, that’s pretty gross.  How can you not know how many people you’ve slept with?”  Society and it’s norms huh?  I’ve since changed my frame of mind from that young girl who thought it was gross.  Doesn’t mean I’ve abandoned my own morals and values, I’ve done some shady shit myself, so I can’t cast any stones from my fragile glass house.

I have a rule and a motto.  Rule: I must be able to at the end of my life count on one hand the number of sexual conquests I’ve had.  Boring?  Maybe, but that leads me to my motto: “A woman can’t do what a man can do and still be considered a lady.”  That’s my own personal belief and I in no way judge anyone who has lost count.  Way to tell society to get bent.

I guess this got brought up because of a conversation with my ex.

Ex: “Hey Bay, can I ask you something?”

Nikks: “Ugh, you can ask, but I might not answer.”

Ex: “Um’ have you been with a lot of guys?”

Nikks:  “Been with?  Please explain.”

Ex:  “You know what I mean Nikki, stop playing.”

Nikks:  “Slept with?  Shagged, Sex?”

Ex:  “Yes.”

Nikks:  “Nope.  I’m selective.  I can’t just let anyone up in my sugar walls, are you mad?  This city is too small and I ain’t going out like that.”

Meaning, I might marry someone from out of town and want to bring him home for the holidays, or he might be willing to move here.  So what happens when I bring him out and he’s talking to someone and making new friends and then that potential new friend asks, “Who’s your wife?”  Do I want to watch as my husband’s expression changes and gets upset because that’s the tenth potential friend my vagina ways have cost him?  Hey, what can I say, I think ahead!

By the end of our conversation he ended up saying he thought I was too “perfect”.  I laughed hard at that one.  I’m far from perfect, I’m wonderfully flawed.  Something about the way he said it irritated me though, like he thought I was trying to come off as “perfect”.  I won’t apologize for my beliefs, like I don’t expect him to apologize for his.

Is that a conversation you would have with your current man/woman if they inquired?  Do you or does he/she have a right to know?  How soon do you get into that kind of interrogation questioning or do you ever?

Nikki :)

If You Aren’t Married, You’re Single?

If you don’t want to listen to the whole thing, what he’s saying is if you aren’t married:

1.  You shouldn’t have keys to each others apartments.

2.  Co-sign for each other.

3. Joint accounts.

4.  You’re playing house by cleaning, cooking, and doing laundry.

5.  He’s probably not gonna marry you if you’re doing all the above without a commitment.

Do you agree or disagree with his points?  Personally I think he has a point with the majority of what he’s saying.  I’ve always told myself there was no way I’d live with a man I wasn’t married to.  We can spend a lot of time at each other’s place and he might even be allowed to leave a couple outfits, but bottom line, he has his place and I have mine.  I’m a moody individual and I cherish my alone time, so when I need my space, I expect a brother to bounce.  That’s just me.  What about you?

Ms. Nikks :P

Can You Still Dance Dirty If The Music Is Clean?

Guh wash yuh dutty cratches!

She got skills, but still! Leave that for the bedroom!

I was born in Jamaica, raised there for eight years.  I go back there every year for a month, and it’s the place I refer to as home.  When anyone asks what I am, as in culture, I say proudly, “I’m Jamaican!”

I cannot stand dancehall music.  I can’t stand the various disgustingly sexual dances.  The music as of late has no meaning.  It has a message, though I cannot say it’s a positive message, that’s precisely why I cannot stand it.  Don’t question my authenticity because I don’t stand for, nor do I support a movement that promotes violence, sexually disturbing content, and all around inhumane behavior.  I’ve never smoked weed a day in my life. Shocking but true and I’m still Jamaican.

When I speak out against the music and the violence, some people think I’m not Jamaican enough.  It’s funny that those who question my authenticity are people who’ve never stepped foot on the island.  Canadian born, Jamaican parentage, but they profess to know more than I do.  Or melanin deficient girls who love the music without fully understanding the ramifications of these lyrics on our culture and those who live on the island.  The one’s who’ve had too much Black d*** and/or deported Black baby daddy’s who’ve seen ‘Shottas’ one too many times.  Yeah I said it and I’m not apologizing.  Get off my damn blog if you don’t like it.  This is how you’re raising the next generation of Black men?!  Why not take more time to research, get to know the culture, and find something positive to represent?!  Speaking Patois (yes that’s how you spell it) badly and singing along to words you barely understand is not the way to go.  Please understand that my anger stems from seeing some very sick things back home.  Teen pregnancy is ridiculous there.  Children as young as 11 and up, pregnant by grown ass men.  Trust me, I know more than a handful.

This post was brought on by a memory and also by a video I just watched on a proposal to ban dancehall from the Jamaican airwaves.  I don’t believe it should be banned, but it ought to be cleaned up.  The artists should be held responsible for the message they are passing on to our youth.  Just as the American rappers should be responsible for the messages they’re putting out there.  Yes teaching right from wrong starts at home, I’m the first to say that, however; lately it seems the youth are more receptive to messages from entertainers.  So why can’t we all work together and set an example for our offspring.  I understand that our music is what lures a lot of tourists, but they won’t stop coming if the music is cleaner.  How can you promote songs saying, “Bun out di chichi!” a.k.a. “Get rid of homosexuals!”  Ridiculous.

If children are listening to the negativity and feeding off of it, think of the good entertainers could do if they were putting out positive messages.  Some argue that it’s a fight between the uptown, educated English speakers and the downtown ghettos, I don’t agree.  It’s about right and wrong.  Decent and indecent.  We’ve got to do better my people, we’ve got to do better.  Just clean it up a bit, because I love the riddim and I love whinin’ as much as the next freak, but I can’t stand the lyrics.  I’m sorry.  Clean it up!

Nikks :)

Downgrade? Yeah, No Thanks!

This post was brought to you by the letters G and N for Goddess & Nightfall!  I was inspired by their collaboration on the lastest blog over at Goddess Intellect.

A woman decides who she will have sex with and a man decides who will be his wife.”

A question was raised regarding, how long a woman would be willing to wait for the man she loves to get his stuff together before marriage.  I answered 2.5 years.  I think I’m thinking in terms of children too when it comes to how long I’m willing to wait on someone. I’m not getting any younger and my eggs can only remain fresh for so long.

Also, no gold digger but I’m not about to downgrade my lifestyle. I need someone who is willing to bring what I’m bringing. Why sit at the table if he’s bringing nothing to it. This ain’t no soup kitchen! I’m sorry. Love alone is not going to take care of home. So I need to see that my man can handle his responsibilities and that he’s taking steps towards his future. We cannot be at my family gatherings discussing world politics and he’s looking as lost as Amelia Earhart.

I would also expect a man to think of the woman he’s choosing to marry in the exact same light. Why should a man want a woman who’s going nowhere fast? A woman without plans, goals, and steps towards those goals.  I often look at the women successful athletes, singers, and actors choose to marry.  Not all of them are dumb, but for the most part, they don’t come off as intelligent.

Black entertainers, oh Lord.  *Shudder*  At times I think they go out of their way to choose the dullest color in box.  Not calling any names but Kobe and Vanessa a certain basketball star could have done better.  I saw an interview that made me cringe.  He ought to tell his wife, to speak to the nanny and have the nanny relay the message to the children.  *SMH*  Seriously she made me so embarrassed and I don’t even know her.  I actually found myself hiding my face behind my hand.  All for some eye candy and “good hair”.  He could have found that in a more intelligent woman. Seriously, all that money and he couldn’t have waited until she finished college, then again, did she get into college?  He could have paid her way in, I’m just saying!

I’ve mentioned before, school isn’t for everyone.  I would definitely marry a man who never stepped foot on a college/uni campus.  But common sense and being able to carry on a conversation is a must in my world.  That’s why I can appreciate a man who plays scrabble, reads/writes books, or the ones who blog about more than music and sports, I can respect that.

I see you Nightfall.

Would you marry a man/woman who never finished high school?  Would your family and friends approve?  Would it embarrass you to bring him/her around your family and friend?  Does that matter to you?  Is it something you’ve given thought to or have you ever overlooked someone due to educational status?  What are you thinking?

Nikki :P