You Made Your Bed, Now What?

A.B.O.R.T.I.O.N.

Don’t worry, I’m not about to start a sermon.  I met a woman of about 30 who has a little baby girl, she’s two months old.  She is absolutely precious and you if you’re anything like me you’ll love her instantly.  So the mother met the father God knows where and have been kicking it for a few years. When she got pregnant he told her to rid herself of it.  I’m not sure what she told him or what happened because she’s not telling the whole truth, but she obviously kept the baby.  I believe she disappeared for awhile and came back with the baby.  Well now he’s not helping her, he shows up sometimes to help her, but for the most part she’s on her own.  I don’t know if she kept the baby to hold on to him or if it was against her values to have an abortion.  When I look at that little girl, I can’t imagine her not being born.  She’s precious.

“Why is it the chick you can’t stand that chooses to keep the baby, and why she had to be the one you chose to nut in?” -Twitter User

My family and I have been filling in as a family for this baby.  I have her Monday-Friday, sometimes until 10:30 at night because her mother has to work late.  She can’t afford to find a better job because she’s not even in the country straight.  She hid the pregnancy from her family that sponsored her here, she brought the baby to her family’s house and told them she’s the nanny for a couple. Yeah, I know, it’s deep as all hell.  I don’t know if because the father is Black she cannot tell them or what’s the real story behind it.  Her English is poor, but I think she’s not telling the whole truth.

I feel sorry for her, she wants her baby, but at the same time she asked about adoption and foster care.  She can’t do it alone.  My mother and I, God help us and our hearts and compassion.  We feel the need to step up and help this woman.  She asked my mom if we want the baby!  Then she burst into tears and left.  We have promised to help her until December.  Free of charge.  So basically I’m like a new mom.  Neglecting my Anthropology school work to care for a baby all day.

I know the father told her he did not want a child and she deceived him by not letting him know she didn’t believe in abortion.  I wonder what kind of man once he looked into the eyes of his baby girl could walk away and not check on her for weeks at a time.  How could he know this woman who hardly speaks English, and has to work whatever hours she’s given, has to pick up the baby and take the bus at late night hours.  Even my eighteen year old brother has been driving this woman home at night because he can’t stand to see her out that late with a carseat she has to carry to the bus stop.  How does an eighteen year old boy have more heart, courage, and love for a baby that not his?

At the same time, I can understand why this man is upset, he did warn her, did he not?  He has another child and probably takes care of that one, but not this one?  He shows up sometimes to pick them up, well twice so far, since we’ve known her.  He only showed up because my mum, lmao, my mum is just like me.  I heard her saying to him in her Jamaican accent, “Yuh think she made this baby by herself?  Yuh had a good time making this baby didn’t you?  Unu wutless, wutless!”  For anyone who doesn’t speak Patois, wutless = worthless, she told him he’s worthless!  My mum don’t play!  Lmao.  Shamed him into showing up.

We have to know who we are sleeping with.  When it comes to sex, anything can happen.  The only sure fire way of avoiding pregnancy is abstinence.  You have to know that if you’re sleeping with someone it’s a decent human being, well that’s my motto.  I have to know that if I end up pregnant, chances are he’ll stick around.  I will role scenarios after awhile because I have to know.  No we cannot 100% know someone and take their word for it, but people lead by example.  You can for the most part tell what kind of man you’re dealing with.  If he’s already a deadbeat dad, chances are he’ll do the same thing to you.  DUH!

What’s your take?  Should she have had the abortion?  Did she bring this on herself?  My readers are mostly female, if you were a man, would you shirk your responsibilities, I mean you did tell her you did not want another child?  Should she pack up and head back to her homeland, her family has a business there?

Nikks

Casual Sex, It Ain’t For Everybody!

Doesn't mean anything at all!

I read on a blog today that if a man encounters a woman who is willing, ready, and able to have casual sex, with no strings attached, that a man should run in the opposite direction.  It was expressed or it came off as if the woman who is able to do the casual sex thing is crazy or something must be awry in her thought process.

One commenter, a female, thought it was funny how this male blogger assumed a woman is crazy or unstable for doing what men do all the time. No strings attached, casual ass sex!  As a woman, well aware of stereotypes, I can see this woman’s point and how unfair it is.  At the same time, I tend to agree more with the male blogger.  Not that women are crazy for not feeling something after sex, but that it’s highly unlikely.

Maybe it has something to do with our morals, values, and lessons instilled in some of us by our parents/elders.  I personally couldn’t picture myself having a one night stand with a random stranger.  I don’t know where his peen has been and let’s face it, shit happens.  The condom could break.  He could be a rapist, murderer, molester, something that would make my guts churn to know he touched me.  Could I do the no strings attached with someone I’ve known for years?  Maybe, but I fear it would only be that way for awhile.

“I’m grown, I’m single, I can do this and it’ll be fine.  People do it all the time!” I can repeat that mantra a million times, but in the end, in Nikks world, sex changes everything.  I find that’s not the case only for the women, but also for some men.  You get together, you play house for the weekend.  You go shopping, you cook together, you watch movies and go to dinner together.  That’s where you fu messed up.  None of those things should happen when you’re trying to make it casual.  People get deluded as to what could be.  “Damn it’d be nice having her around doing all this stuff.” or  “So this is what it would be like to be wifey?”

Sometimes the casual sex buddy calls and asks what you’re doing or where you’re going. You say out with a friend and they try to figure out if it’s male or female.  You wonder why the want to know, what does it matter?  Even if it was in your head to remain casual, some men have the power to make you start blushing and wondering if he really cares and it could be more than casual.  I can only speak for myself, I don’t get needy.  I don’t call and try to make it more than it is.  I know how to play my position.  I’m pretty level headed and can deal with my shit internally.  Some men and women get needy and a little crazy with the idea that it could be more than it was agreed to be initially.  One wants more, the other still views it as casual and someone gets their feelings seriously hurt.

So how does a woman go about keeping it casual without getting caught up on that good peen game?  You don’t have sex, you don’t make love, you’re supposed to fuck when it’s a no strings attached scenario?  Is there a difference between the three?  Don’t spend the night, get your ass home as soon as you’re done?  Smile coyly and say thank you?  Let him slap you on the ass and bounce?

What do you all think?  Have you ever had casual no strings attached sex and kept being friends?  Is there such a thing as casual sex, really?  I don’t think it’s for errbody!

Nikks :)

Blockbuster Night: The Curious Case of Nicole Danique

I went into Walmart the other day and ruffled through their dvd sale bin.  Great finds in there.  I got ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’ for $10.  I never did see it in theaters, just seemed like the kind of movie my friends wouldn’t enjoy, and I didn’t want to make them sit through it.  So when I saw it, I grabbed it.  What an amazing film!  I wish I had seen it sooner, but better late than never.

First of all Taraji P. Henson did the damn thing in this film.  She was wonderful.  I always admired her and the lovely Kimberly Elise, these two beautiful women have serious talent that is slept on.  Kimberly is not in this film, but I had to put that out there.  Anyway this film touched various parts of my soul, raised a lot of questions and stirred up my emotions. I laughed when Queen (Henson) found young Benjamin (Pitt) and said he was “…ugly as a used pot…”  Brad Pitt was simply amazing in this role.  I’ve always liked him, but this impressed me.  He made me cry, he made me believe he was so lonely being trapped in that body with no one to understand him.  Without ruining the ending for those who haven’t seen it, I cried at the end too.  This film made me a little sad, afraid, and question a couple things.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my own mortality.  What happens if I never get married and have children?  Who do I share my old days with?  Am I going to be lonely and end up in an old folks home?  The biggest fear and question, what happens when we die?  When I die?  To be quite honest it’s been scaring the hell out of me lately.  I don’t know why, but ever so often, I find myself thinking about it and it terrifies me.  Then I remember something…

I believe in God.  I find comfort and I take solace in knowing that I have to trust in him.  My mother taught me never to doubt God and that all things are possible as long as I keep him in my life.  So I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t have to worry about what happens to me later on, just enjoy and live in the here and now.  I also take comfort in knowing that no matter how boring I might think my life is, I have a few stories to tell.  Hopefully I’ll have wonderful children, and amazing grandchildren to tell my naughty stories and adventures to.  Hopefully they’ll be raised well enough to appreciate their elders and want to sit down and listen to the ramblings of an old Nikk woman.

At times I wonder when my life is going to start, really start?  When will the adventures begin?  Then I come to the realization that, this is it kid.  This is your life, it’s been happening whether you’ve been present or not.  So I have to appreciate everything I have and everyone who comes into my life.  I have to appreciate the good and the bad.  I have to take time to savor the kisses, the foods, the smells, the wind on my skin, splash in puddles, the moons and the stars.  I might sound mad corny right now, but like Queenie says, “…you never know what’s coming for you and when it’s time to let go, you got to let go…”

Have you ever wondered about what’s going to happen to you when you’re older?  Where will you end up?  Who will care for you in your older days? What happens after you leave this earth?  I mostly just wonder about where your thoughts and soul go, do you just really seize to exist?  What thoughts give you comfort when you think of the future and aging?

Nikks a.k.a Nicole Danique

Make Him Feel Good Pt. I

“Is there any boys around that know how to make a girl feel?  That wanna make a girl feel, make her feel good?” -Teairra Mari

I remember hearing this song a few years ago and it made me think of how much we women complain.  Myself included, hence the we.  We are always complaining about not understanding men or why they do the things they do.  We are a miserable set of beings, us women.  Some most days a man can’t catch a break!  We nag, bitch, whine, and complain about a lot of shit.

For generations the Black man has suffered attack upon attack on his character, strength, and masculinity.  Not giving them an excuse, but watching your women raped, your children ripped from their mother’s breasts, and auctioned like farm equipment can do that to any man.  He had to stand still and watch.

The Black woman had to be strong and hold it together.  So we grew up with generations of women saying “I don’t need you, I can do for myself!”  We need to stop that talk and lift the man up.  Learn how to let a man be a man.

Sometimes we need to do the things for them that we want them to do for us.  I suggest the following for starters:

1.  Run him a hot bath when he gets home.

2.  Next time he’s at the kitchen counter or looking out the window thinking, go up behind him and put our arms around him.  Hold him tight.  (Approach with caution, if he’s been in the big house, we don’t want flashbacks of Big Mike trying to be up on him.  I’m jus’ sayin…)

3.  Let him rest between your legs on the couch and rest his head on your bosom.

4.  Watch him while he sleeps and tell him how peaceful he looks when he’s asleep.

5.  Send him flowers or a card, a blank card, fill it with your own thoughts of him.  What you love about him, your fondest memory of him, etc.

Those are just a few suggestions to MAKE HIM FEEL GOOD!  A man might not be able to express exactly what he wants from us, but at the end of the day, they want the same thing most human beings want and need.  LOVE, UNDERSTANDING, COMPASSION, AND ACCEPTANCE.  Stay tuned for Pt. II

Nikks :P

For The Sake of The Children?

Some of us grow up wanting to get married to Prince Charming or Cinderella (depends on which team you play for) and that’s alright. Some of us get what we wished for and some of us don’t.  Who are the lucky ones?  The ones who are married or the one’s who are not?

I ask this question because I notice that the married folks start out happy.  They hardly start a sentence without “My hubby this or my wife that…”  The honeymoon period is pure bliss.  Then things start to get real, real fast.  She changes or he changes.  Somebody changes and instead of treating the sore, the source of the problem, they cover it with a band aid, a temporary fix, a baby or two.  However the sore just stays there and festers, the infection gets worst because it’s been covered and untreated.

There are no more date nights.  No more time alone.  You hardly talk, when you do talk, it usually results in an argument.  Instead of trying to resolve the argument before bed, you leave it and ignore it.  One party often ends up being the scapegoat or offering up the apology while the other never budges or tries.  Eventually resentment sets in.

Would you put your children’s needs above your own happiness if counseling and prayer fails you?  Would you stay in a loveless marriage just to save face?  Do you divorce once the children are older?

I know I could not.  I would rather my children grow up with healthy, happy, divorced parents, than in a house of misery and pain.  At this age, I cannot see myself spending my young years unhappy and raising children.  I believe men and women deserve peace of mind and happiness.  We deserve a little bit of the fantasy that we pictured as children.  Not everyday will be peachy keen, arguments are healthy.  Occasional arguments mean you still care and there is still passion.  Hate and misery have no part in a marriage.  So really, do you stay for the sake of the children?

Nikks

If I Were The H.N.I.C.

So many people here in this country (Canada) are on social assistance.  Now I expect that if you’re having a hard time you access the services, get yourself together and get off of it.  What I don’t expect is for you to access it ten years ago and still remain on it without attempting to do better.  I’m not saying everyone on assistance stays on it and doesn’t try.  Some try and it’s not enough, I understand that.  I don’t feel sympathy for the ladies and gentlemen who keep having babies upon babies and stay on welfare.

I see so many clients in the neighborhood I worked in having new babies and no income.  I expect that from countries with rural villages who’ve never seen a condom or heard of the pill.  I don’t expect you to sit on your porch while pregnant, smoking cigarettes, and coming to me for free bread and baby clothes while your sperm donor is inside playing Grand Theft Auto.  Maybe if he was out there actually stealing cars and selling them for parts I could respect his hustle.

I understand this country is all about freedom and human rights and I’m all for that in most cases, but not cases like these.  I think it’s ridiculous that it’s not against the law to drink and/or smoke while pregnant.  More babies to burden the system and especially with birth defects that could have been prevented.

I don’t understand why these mothers should have the option of getting pregnant after the fifth child (I’m being generous) and still on welfare.  I take that back, after five years on welfare and the third pregnancy, it’s time to chop chop or tie the tubes.  I’d even let you get the kind of surgery where you can MAYBE reverse it if you manage to get off assistance.

I’m sorry if I’m being a little salty, but I’m tired of all these women crying out about how welfare isn’t enough.  How no one will help them with their children.  Did I knock you up?  No I did not.  I lack the necessary tools to do so!  There are places you can get condoms, pills, and other forms of birth control.

If I were the H.N.I.C the streets would be filled with discarded penises, wombs, and ovaries.  That my friends is why I’m not the H.N.I.C.

Nikks

Lovingly Selfish?

Baby S’ hand in mine :P

God has a sense of humor, if you want to make him laugh, make plans for your life.  I was thinking this evening as I lathered with pomegranate bodywash about how much I’d like to have children.  I think it’s the role I was born to play.  If you ask my friends they’ll tell you I’m the mom type.  The one that plans things, the one who will have the meals prepped overnight, the lunches packed and ready to go.  The go to, make it all better one.

I’m 25 years old and I thought by now I’d be married for atleast a year and working on that baby.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  I’ve yet to meet a man that I can see myself marrying or having a child or children with.  I have given thought to adoption and artificial insemination if I reach the age of 35 and am still not married or with child.  I figure I can do it on my own as long as I have a great job, a house or two, and benefits.  I know I’ve got a lot of love to give, but let’s face it that doesn’t raise a child.  I have a loving and supportive family, a large family, so we’d be alright, BUT my mind wanders back to a conversation with a friend someone I used to know….

He and I had a heated debate on choosing to be a single mother.  I thought it was a great thing to be able to bring a child into this world and nurture it with love. Knowing that some things might be difficult and there are lessons I as a woman might not be able to teach a son, I would still do it.  That child would know how desperately he or she was needed and wanted in order for me to make such a decision, for I can’t picture myself not being a mother.

Dude thought it a very selfish act.  He thought it was selfish to bring a child into the world and into a one parent home.  I agree a child deserves the stability of having two loving parents, but that doesn’t always happen even when you have children as a married couple.  I know kids from two parent homes who turned out HORRIBLY wrong.  I know people raised by single parents and turned out VERY WELL.  I believe one of his points would be who would teach my son to be a man?  I stated I have my father, brother, uncles, and cousins who are great role models and would be there at any time.  I’m fully aware it’s not the same as having a father in the house, but I’d work with what I was given.  There are so many married people who stay together for their children’s sake when they really should just divorce.  I’d rather two happy, single parents, than two miserable parents living in the same home trying to pretend to be happy.  Children are more perceptive than we give them credit for.

I agree with a lot of points made by the opposing team.  It would be hard and it might be a selfish act, but my desire for children of my own might outweigh my need to be unselfish.  I love children and I can’t possibly see myself without having one.  I want to experience pregnancy, the birth part not so much, but nothing makes your love stronger than feeling that pain and bonding with your child.  To watch everyday if they change to look more like you, do things the way you do, it’s too fascinating to miss out on.

If you were in your middle or late thirties and able to afford artificial insemination by a sperm donor, would you do it?  Do you believe it to be a selfish act?  Why or why not?

Nikks :P

Vagina

Here we go with the TMI, but I’m going there.  When I was a little girl, I asked my mum where her friend’s baby is going to come out of.  She’s a nurse, so she wasn’t shocked or shy.  She told me it was coming from her vagina.  That she’ll have to push it out.  What I love about my mum, she never told me stupid names for our anatomy.  No “foofoo, privates, gina, thingy,” nothing stupid.  She always kept it real.  So after this conversation I went missing and mum couldn’t find me.  She eventually found me in the bathroom with my legs spread and mirror checking out my lady parts.

“What are you doing Nikki?” she laughed.

“Checking my vagina.  Mine’s far too small for a baby to come out of.” I informed her matter of factly.

My mother gets a good laugh out of that all the time, much to my embarrassment.  Really the reason for the revelation and post is just to encourage women and especially young girls to feel free to sit there with a mirror and take a good look at it.  Especially those who are sexually active or plan on becoming sexually active soon.  Why you ask?

If you know and familiarize yourself with your vagina and what it looks like, then once you do start having sex and God forbid something goes awry, you’ll know it.  I know often times you won’t know something is wrong because there are no outward symptoms, but better safe than sorry.  I also urge you all to always wrap it up, and please do your pap smears.  This is a must.

The first time I did a pap test on a whim with a friend, my results were that I had abnormal cells.  I was scared for a minute when I heard that, “What does that mean?” I asked the nurse.  She said, “Oh sometimes it’s cancer, but I doubt you have cancer dear, so don’t worry.”  I wanted to choke the bish.  You mention cancer and tell me not to worry? Honestly?!  Thank the good Lord above, it was not cancer.  I did the exam too close to that time of the month, so my cells were all abnormal from hormones.  Just to be safe I did have to go every six months as opposed to once year to make sure I was cancer free. So I urge you, please get your pap tests done, especially those who are sexually active.

It does not hurt, you might feel a little violated, lol, but it doesn’t hurt.  It’s not as horrible as some make it out to be.  Just keep in mind that you are better off safe than sorry.  It’s not something to be embarrassed or mortified about.  There used to be a time when young women didn’t have to worry about cancers, but this day in age it’s happening to younger and younger women.  After your next shower, I urge you all to take a mirror and listen to TLC’s line from Redlight Special, “Take a good look at it, look at it now…”

Nikki :)

Firsts

If you’ve watched The Game on the CW or the re-runs on Black Embarrassment Television a.k.a B.E.T. then you’ll understand the title.  If not here’s a quick rundown.  Pay attention and lean in close now…

Tia Mowry is Melanie, a young medical school student, who moves to San Diego to be with her football player bf Derwin ‘Ding Dong’ Davis. Melanie (lovingly referred to as Med Schoo, by her friend Tasha) is so focused on med school that she doesn’t support Derwin as much as she should.  Derwin ends up cheating, they break up, they date other people all the while pining for each other.  They attempt to get back together but a girl Derwin had been seeing announces she’s pregnant and it’s all pain from there on in. Got it?  Good!

So my topic today is FIRSTS and how important they are to you!  I have no problems with men who have children.  I admire the man who takes care of his children, the man who doesn’t turn his back because the relationship/marriage failed.  It failed with the child’s mother, not with the child.  I’m quicker to dismiss you if you turn your back on your child because let’s face it, you would probably do the same to me if I were to end up being the mother of your child.  Karma’s a bitch, we all know this.

However, I now choose to date or get to know men who don’t have children.  Personally, I want everything we share to be firsts.  I want to be the first and only wife.  I want our child to be our first, not my first.  I want the kick to be exciting for both of us.  I want the tears of joy and amazement at the ultrasound when we hear that heartbeat we made.  I don’t want to go it alone even when you’re right there.  Being present physically, simply isn’t enough.  I want it to be an experience for both, not just for one.

I don’t want issues with psychotic ex-wives/girlfriends.  I’ll be respectful only for so long before I want to drop kick someone’s ass across a parking lot.  I will not tolerate children disrespecting my home nor me and not be able to correct them without hearing ‘You aren’t my mother.’ Not that I would correct them, I don’t believe that to be a step-mother’s place.  I also know I’d never be first if someone I choose to date or marry has children.  Not saying that I should always be first nor that this is always the situation, but it’s always a possibility that things might turn sour after awhile.  There are a lot of blended families and step children who get along well with each other, but it’s never quite the same.  We can’t all live like Run’s House, where the Angela, Vanessa, and Jackass JoJo get along with Justine.  I wonder what it’s like when the camera’s stop rolling?  They have money and can afford the time and space for happiness and cooling off period if things get heated, but most people cannot.

I remember watching episodes of The Game where Girl Melanie and Ding Dong are in the middle of something important and baby mama calls or needs him and he’s got to go running.  Why does she put herself through that, I wondered?  Would I be strong enough to endure it?  Could I watch the man I love and gave up so much for experience all these things with another woman?  Something as important and precious to me as having his child?  Have you ever been through anything like that?  How did it work out?

This is when I wish men would put themselves in our shoes.  Would a man be able to stay with a woman who ended up pregnant by someone who wants to stay actively involved in his child’s life?  Could that man put on a smile and be excited with you?  I wish some of them would really stop to think about the hurt and pain they cause with their selfish/careless actions.  Take a walk in our shoes!

Is anyone willing to watch someone they like or love bring forth a child into the world by another woman?  To watch the joy on his face and watch them share a moment you had hoped would be shared by the two of you?

Nikks